Dubya is Rested, Motivating

After 9 months of playing X-Box and collecting GI Joes, Dubya’s back!!!! As a motivational speaker!!! Are ya motivated yet? ARE YOU!?!?!? CNN tells it like it is:

"Former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker Monday night, telling a Fort Worth, Texas crowd it's futile to waste energy chasing popularity."

Jumpin Jesus H Christ, if this dude didn’t waste energy chasing popularily, he must have enough leftover energy to build a Death Star with a Flux Capacitor and then train an army of kittens with Down Syndrome* to operate it.

This is all a part of the “Get Motivated” Seminar, which fucked up traffic in came to Pittsburgh a few months back with, among others, the great Rudi Giuiliani. Promoters call this event "energizing, action-packed, star-studded, fun-filled, spectacular stage show."

So THAT’S how it happened. W. was probably walking down the street chasing after a leprechaun and stumbled across flashing lights and thumping bass and shiny objects, and wandered in by mistake, like Wayne and Garth wondered into that gay bar in Waynes World 2. Then he probably saw a bunch of those big strong dudes breaking cinder blocks over each other’s stomachs and laying on beds of nails and talkin about the power of knowin' Jeee-zus!!

Shockingly though, Bush actually talked about his presidency, which is like talking about your gay meth-addict cousin at a dinner party or telling your parents how you drank too much and threw up on a dog at someone’s birthday. He says that faith played a big role in his decisions. Oh here we go.

"Every single day, I was honored to be your president by bringing honor and dignity to the office," he said. Bush also added later that his faith played a large role in guiding his decisions: "From a personal perspective, I don't see how you can be president without relying upon an almighty."

If faith played a role in his decisions, then Jesus, Moses and Noah hate every single one of us personally, and whoever wrote “God Bless America” is a lying sack of shit. People always blame the dumb, inexplicable shit they do on faith in God. It’s the new “true beauty is on the inside.” Like telling your unholy mess of a daughter, “Sure honey, you’re 5 ft 1, 195 lbs, and grandma faints when she sees you, but the way you care for all those pet ferretts and hamsters of yours shows how beauitful you truly are.”

*EDITOR'S NOTE-Not sure if this exists in nature.

**EXTRA EDITOR'S NOTE--Since some guy in Arizona told me to, I've pasted the link to the whole article below.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/10/27/bush-debuts-as-motivational-speaker/

Ya Pumpkin Pie Haircutted Freak!!!

I know it’s old news but I don’t care because I update this blog whenever the hell I feel like it, but the once-upon-a-time relevant Joel Madden and the still-waiting-to-be-relevant Nicole Richie (birthname: Nicole Camille Escovedo) recently debuted their baby Sparrow something.  I don’t know much about genetics, but Joel Madden is a douchebag with a feaux-hawk and guyliner, and Nicole Richie looks like a droopy wet umbrella, but somehow their baby turned out looking like Harland Williams:








If you remember, Harland Williams was the cop in Dumb and Dumber, and he drank a bottle of Jim Carrey’s piss. Which means Harland Williams turned out better than that baby ever will.

****Editor's note--I've met with some disagreement (ok, one guy--but where there's one you know about,  there's millions more you don't) over my observation that little Sparrow looks like Harland Williams.  Screw you, he does. 

Andrew Lloyd Webber has Cancer

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/10/25/lloyd.webber.cancer/index.html


The only reason I clicked on this is because I temporarily confused Andew Lloyd Webber with Christopher Lloyd. Andrew Lloyd Webber, who did write some pretty bitchin’ musicals, has been diagnosed with AIDS prostate cancer. No big deal though, says his talk-lady:

The condition is in its very early stages. Andrew is now undergoing treatment and expects to be fully back at work before the end of the year," the spokeswoman said in a written statement from the London-based public relations firm Brown Lloyd James. They released no further details.

Yeah yeah, good news and all, but good thing he wrote Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (for the Jews) and Jesus Christ Superstar (for the Christians) because, you know, both religions can’t be right. So he’s covering his ass, which is smart. Now all he has to do is write a show about an elephant with 10 arms or a fire breathing duck and he’ll be totally set good luck Andrew!!!!

Ice. Skating. Bear.

I hesitated to post this out of respect for the, um, individual involved in the incident, then I remembered I was born without morals.  Or suave good looks.  It turns out Russia is overpopulated by ice-skating, hockey-playing bears, and one of 'em killed a guy.  Hey CNN:

"A bear on ice skates attacked two people during rehearsals at a circus in Bishkek, the capital of Kyrgyzstan, killing one of them, Kyrgyz officials said Friday.  In the incident, which happened Thursday, the 5-year-old animal killed the circus administrator, Dmitry Potapov, and mauled an animal trainer, who was attempting to rescue him."

Before we continue, I know there are other news organizations besides CNN, but I read once that every time someone goes to Fox News, an orphan dies.  That, and Kiran Chetry on CNN's American Morning is one hypnotizin' vixen.  So shut up.  Anywhoo, the officials are dumbfounded.

"It is unclear what caused the bear to attack Potapov, 25, nearly severing one of his legs while dragging him across the ice by his neck. Medical personnel were unable to save Potapov, who died at the scene."

Nah, I think it's pretty clear what caused the bear to attack Potapov, 25.  It's a bear.  Ever see a bear?  Picture a bear with no balance.  Now picture a bear with no balance traveling toward you, unable to stop.  With blades on its feet.  Apparently we shouldn't be surprised because the article goes on to say that Russa has a long standing tradition of training bears to do all kinds of stuff.  No, apparently Russia has a long-standing tradition of doing incredibly stupid shit.  Is this the end result of Communism? We can be sure that Russia is no longer a threat when its military strategy goes from trying to blow up the earth with atomic bombs to sending out a few bears on ice skates to rough a brother up.  Well yeah, since it turns out that ducks can't fire guns, and that puppy they sent out in the tank never came back.

Vroom Vroom!!!

Peoria police are looking for a father suspected of running down his daughter because she was becoming too "westernized" and was not living according to their traditional Iraqi values.  And to prove I'm not making this story up, check out this quote from Fox News:

Peoria police are looking for a father suspected of running down his daughter because she was becoming too "westernized" and was not living according to their traditional Iraqi values.

See?  They're saying it's because she was too Western.  But let's think about it.  They're from Iraq.  Which I learned is in the Middle East.  Everything over there is like 20 years behind.  So picture the girl one on side of the living room, watching The Hills and having a Red Bull, and dad is sitting there on the other side, drinking a Crysal Pepsi and listening to this great new Hall and Oates tape, just lookin at her.  He didn't run her over because she was too Western.  He ran her over because he thought she was from the Goddamn future.  I don't blame him.   Probably saw Back to the Future on Beta for the first time and freaked out.  Poor guy.  Go back to the future, you crazy bitch. 

The North Pole of Cocaine

So prosecutors Tuesday release this new lawsuit alleging that convicted ponzi schemer capitalist Bernie Madoff used a lot of the money he earned stole to pay for lots and lots of cocaine. I don’t really care about that, and I just sorta scanned this article until I found the words “North Pole.” That’s because prosecutors used that term to describe Madoff’s evil lair. Don’t believe me? Shame on you; I’m telling!! CNN!!!!

“The complaint alleges that some employees and investors were aware of the drug purchases, and that BMIS [Bernard Madoff Investment Services] was known by insiders as the "North Pole" in reference to the excessive amount of cocaine use”

The North Pole of cocaine? Well ok, but this completely changes Christmas. Poor kids are gonna wonder why Santa keeps licking his teeth and won’t just shut the hell up. All the kid wants to do is tell Santa he wants a toy truck, but Santa wants to talk about what his favorite zoo animal is, or what REALLY started the Korean War. They’re gonna wonder now why last year mommy and daddy left cookies and milk, this year it’s a pack of cigarettes and a Queen album.

Yabba Dabba Doo!!!

Well it appears in the news that Rosie O’Donnell and her husband Nick Carter wife Kelli Carpenter are having some problems. CNN says:

Rosie O'Donnell and spouse Kelli Carpenter "are working through their issues" and "nothing else will be said" about rumors the couple is splitting, according to O'Donnell's publicist.

I’m not a marriage counselor anymore (thanks to a certain “District Attorney”), but I would imagine the “issue” is that this Kelli Carpenter is presumably a lesbian, but she married Fred Flinstone. I’m a full-time lesbian, and I know that lesbians want softness and tenderness. We don’t want someone who just slid down a brontosaur’s back and pedalled home in a solid-rock car. You ever pet a pig? I bet that’s what her skin feels like. I could sum up any long term interaction with her as like being with a potato sack that won’t stop screaming.

Bye Bye Balloon Dad!

http://mormontimes.com/mormon_voices/elia_gourgouris/?id=11282

Here's some link about Balloon Boy from the Mormon Times which I didn't even bother to read, because come on, it's the Mormon Times. It talks about something about how balloon dad just wants his 15 minutes fame. Leave it to the Mormons to crack that case wide open. If these people ever drank caffeine they could probably invent floating pets or domesticate an octopus.

Anyway, back to Balloon Dad. Aside from being about 3 days away from doing an penis enlargement pill commercial, what with that 90s porn star haircut and all, I think he's about to fade out of our incredibly short social memory. So with that in mind, let's revist some of our favorite newsmaker one-hit wonders:

Runaway Bride: Bug eyed lunatic claims she got snatched up by a bunch of Mexicans in a van, then just comes around a few days later and says she was just nervous. What the hell iz 'is?. How many people do you know have whites ALL around their eyes? Meth's a hell of a drug.

Astronaut Lady: Stalks a dude with a crewcut you could set your watch to, and decided to drive to see him, much in the same way I drive to the Get Go by my house to get a Coke Zero. Wore DIAPERS so she didn't have to stop to poop. I wish someone would do this to me, cuz I find diaper-ass a major turn on.

Joe the Plumber: Walking, talking Bruce Springsteen song (and apparent Bruce Willis wanna-be) became the face of the McCain Palin comedy tour. Actually a Frankenstein built by McCain as a ringer for Palin's stupid kid's hockey team.

Crocs (Let's Hope). They make croc sandles now. Ironically, they use much less material, but you look like much more a tool.

Mac Girl Got Her Hair Did!!!

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/10/20/cnet.apple.new.mouse/index.html

About 84 people across the universe actually care about this, but I guess Apple has redone the Macs to include some not-at-all interesting features. Here's what CNET calls the "big news:"

"The biggest news Tuesday will be the new iMacs, which move from aluminum and polycarbon design to aluminum and edge-to-edge glass, mirroring the look of Apple's line of MacBook Pro laptops. The new iMac will come in 21.5 (1,920x1,080) and 27-inch (2,560x1,440) models, each with a 16:9 aspect ratio."

I don't even know what an iMac is, but there are a lot of large numbers and colons and I always thought the term "aspect ratio" was pretty cool, but "27 inches" makes me uncomfortable and jealous so lets just move on. I think CNET writes in Cyrillic, cuz here's more stuff:

"Like the aluminum MacBook Pro models, the MacBook now has a unibody chassis, although in this case, it's still made of polycarbonate. A separate bottom panel has a matte non-slip feel, as opposed to the glossy white upper body. The unibody construction means the battery is no longer removable--also like the current Pro lineup."

I'm curious now. I thought cars had a chassis, and I think polycarbonate is one of the ingredients in a Snickers. And the term "white upper body" reminds me of me. Soooo, I've come up with a crude schematic:


In my wildest dreams, that's the new mac. But all it probably really means is that Mac girl got trendy flats instead of keds and a new healthcare plan.

PC? Mac?

I haven't seen any PC vs Mac commercials lately with the dumpy fat guy and Justin Long, so I feel the social responsibility to perpetuate the debate. (That Jesse Jackson-like rhyme was unintentional, but fun.)

See, PCs are okay, but they break all the time. They're cheap, but they're a lot of work. They make some craaazzy souped up PCs too, so you can play World of Warcraft while IMing with "HotRicanMami44." So there's a lot of power there. They even look aerodynamic and sleek. Let's look at it like this--PC is like an insanely hot chick. So, for the sake of argument, let's call her "PC Girl." PC girl is hot. Lots of make up, done up hair, strappy shoes, the works. The kind of girl that doesn't really have a job, but she somehow drives an Escalade. You look at her, and you're just like wow. But PC girl has some issues. Everything will be fine, then she'll go bat shit crazy. She'll go on a coke binge and tell you off. Her head will spin. Or maybe she'll just randomly fall asleep at inopportune times. So while you have this really hot girl, you have to put up with her constantly being a mess. Also, PC Girl tends to get a lot of STDs for some reason.

Now let's talk about Mac Girl. Mac Girl's not HOT, but she's cute. Maybe even pretty, like if you got dressed up to go to a nice restaurant. PC girl is in the club with heels, Mac Girl is at Applebees with jeans and keds. Mac Girl has some kind of office job and drives a Honda. Maybe she goes to church. Thinking about getting her MBA. Probably makes really good cookies. So it's not life on the edge, but it's stable. She doesn't have the issues that PC Girl has. STDs just bounce right off her, like bullets off Superman. And if she does get a little sick every once in awhile, you just hug her and pat her on the head.

Then make cookies.

If you think I didn't really make a solid point in this post, you're very perceptive.

klansman prevents evil unholy wedding

That headline is 76% true. I may or may not have made up the Klansman part. Anyway, Tangipahoa Parish Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell denied an interracial couple in Louisiana a marriage license because one's white and one's black (I went to wikipedia and looked up "interracial" before writing this.)

What is this, the 1700s? I sure freakin hope not, cuz I'd have to wear a wig and powder my face and fan myself all the time. I'd also have to wear tights and go outside to go to the bathroom, which may violate one or more court order.

Anyway, the best part is that this wiener insists he's not racist. From Yahoo:

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

Piles and piles? I had piles and piles of GI Joes when I was 6. They use his bathroom? This guy talks about black people like they're leprechauns or unicorns. He's not racist because black people pee in his house. Hey, one time Tera Patrick sat in the back seat of my Saturn(true story), and I think that glorious princess can marry anyone she wants.

If you check my birth date on this blog, you'll see that I'm 102 years old. So I've seen a lot of stuff. My guess is that stupidity like this is either the result of living beneath powerlines, or fundamental Christianity. I've learned there's not much of a difference.

Finally, this tool says he's primarily worried about the children, because he says biracial children aren't accepted in America. Nevermind the fact that we just elected one as president. For a listing of successful biracial people, go here: http://www.mixedfolks.com/historical.htm
I think the first one is Santa Claus.