Fireflies WAS Number 1

Fireflies, the, um, hit song by Owl City featuring surely heterosexual Adam Young, is now is at number 2 on the Billboard Hot 100. This still makes me weep for the state of society. I think it’s It’s the queerest song ever written or recorded, and I lived through the 80s. The only thing worse than the song itself is the video. Link to that here.

If you value your dignity and don’t want to watch, just check out the video description from Wikipedia:

The music video features Adam Young playing the song on his synthesizer in a toy-filled bedroom, where most of the toys (including an astronaut, toy cars, and a blimp) come to life.

This guy should change the name of his band from “Owl City” to “I stick things I find around the house up my ass.”  I got curious as to who could sound this fruity on a recording, so I looked the dude up.
Now it makes sense.

Look at him. He looks like some sort of pedophiliac Peter Pan. Peter Pan flies around with a fairy all day and could probably still kick this guy’s ass, and I’ll even give Adam Young a trident and a firearm just to make it interesting. But in order to fight, he’d have to take time out of his busy schedule, which by the looks of it involves hanging around the swingset by a windowless van holding a bag of lollypops.

Notre Dame Needs a New Coach

Based on some recent events, it looks like Notre Dame may need a new couch coach.  After Chastity Bono's sex change (she's Chaz now), she may be the perfect candidate.  Nobody would even notice.

What the Hell Happened to Vampires??

So the new Twilight movie came out last weekend, and GOOD GOD what happened to vampires? These guys were original badasses, and now this fairy floats through and captures the hearts and vaginas of every chick out there. Years of crafting the perfect, scary, undead kick-your-ass-and-hand-it-to-you killing machine ruined by some waify little pansy. THESE DUDES USED TO BITE YOU AND SUCK YOUR BLOOD. This dude looks like if he gets mad at you, he might call you the c-word, then go home and cut himself listening to Fiona Apple.

Look at the pictures below.  Look at what they used to be...Nosferatu is scary as hell and he didn’t even talk. Gary Oldman in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” kicked serious ass, even though he looks like he’s wearing Madonna’s cone bra on his head. Blade said things like

“Safety's off, round's already chambered. Silver hollowpoint filled with garlic. You aim for the head or the heart. Anything else, is your ass.”

And BLACULA calmy said,

“I'm sorry, I don't have any 'bread' on me, and as for 'kicking my ass' I'd strongly suggest you give it careful consideration before trying.”

These last two quotes are so bad ass. Look at Edward Cullen. He doesn’t look like a vampire, he looks like the kid who wants to stab the popular kid on “90210” with a knife in home-ec. The scariest thing he could say is “Welcome to Hot Topic, can I help you find something?”

Dubya is Rested, Motivating

After 9 months of playing X-Box and collecting GI Joes, Dubya’s back!!!! As a motivational speaker!!! Are ya motivated yet? ARE YOU!?!?!? CNN tells it like it is:

"Former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker Monday night, telling a Fort Worth, Texas crowd it's futile to waste energy chasing popularity."

Jumpin Jesus H Christ, if this dude didn’t waste energy chasing popularily, he must have enough leftover energy to build a Death Star with a Flux Capacitor and then train an army of kittens with Down Syndrome* to operate it.

This is all a part of the “Get Motivated” Seminar, which fucked up traffic in came to Pittsburgh a few months back with, among others, the great Rudi Giuiliani. Promoters call this event "energizing, action-packed, star-studded, fun-filled, spectacular stage show."

So THAT’S how it happened. W. was probably walking down the street chasing after a leprechaun and stumbled across flashing lights and thumping bass and shiny objects, and wandered in by mistake, like Wayne and Garth wondered into that gay bar in Waynes World 2. Then he probably saw a bunch of those big strong dudes breaking cinder blocks over each other’s stomachs and laying on beds of nails and talkin about the power of knowin' Jeee-zus!!

Shockingly though, Bush actually talked about his presidency, which is like talking about your gay meth-addict cousin at a dinner party or telling your parents how you drank too much and threw up on a dog at someone’s birthday. He says that faith played a big role in his decisions. Oh here we go.

"Every single day, I was honored to be your president by bringing honor and dignity to the office," he said. Bush also added later that his faith played a large role in guiding his decisions: "From a personal perspective, I don't see how you can be president without relying upon an almighty."

If faith played a role in his decisions, then Jesus, Moses and Noah hate every single one of us personally, and whoever wrote “God Bless America” is a lying sack of shit. People always blame the dumb, inexplicable shit they do on faith in God. It’s the new “true beauty is on the inside.” Like telling your unholy mess of a daughter, “Sure honey, you’re 5 ft 1, 195 lbs, and grandma faints when she sees you, but the way you care for all those pet ferretts and hamsters of yours shows how beauitful you truly are.”

*EDITOR'S NOTE-Not sure if this exists in nature.

**EXTRA EDITOR'S NOTE--Since some guy in Arizona told me to, I've pasted the link to the whole article below.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/10/27/bush-debuts-as-motivational-speaker/

Ya Pumpkin Pie Haircutted Freak!!!

I know it’s old news but I don’t care because I update this blog whenever the hell I feel like it, but the once-upon-a-time relevant Joel Madden and the still-waiting-to-be-relevant Nicole Richie (birthname: Nicole Camille Escovedo) recently debuted their baby Sparrow something.  I don’t know much about genetics, but Joel Madden is a douchebag with a feaux-hawk and guyliner, and Nicole Richie looks like a droopy wet umbrella, but somehow their baby turned out looking like Harland Williams:








If you remember, Harland Williams was the cop in Dumb and Dumber, and he drank a bottle of Jim Carrey’s piss. Which means Harland Williams turned out better than that baby ever will.

****Editor's note--I've met with some disagreement (ok, one guy--but where there's one you know about,  there's millions more you don't) over my observation that little Sparrow looks like Harland Williams.  Screw you, he does. 

Andrew Lloyd Webber has Cancer

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/10/25/lloyd.webber.cancer/index.html


The only reason I clicked on this is because I temporarily confused Andew Lloyd Webber with Christopher Lloyd. Andrew Lloyd Webber, who did write some pretty bitchin’ musicals, has been diagnosed with AIDS prostate cancer. No big deal though, says his talk-lady:

The condition is in its very early stages. Andrew is now undergoing treatment and expects to be fully back at work before the end of the year," the spokeswoman said in a written statement from the London-based public relations firm Brown Lloyd James. They released no further details.

Yeah yeah, good news and all, but good thing he wrote Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (for the Jews) and Jesus Christ Superstar (for the Christians) because, you know, both religions can’t be right. So he’s covering his ass, which is smart. Now all he has to do is write a show about an elephant with 10 arms or a fire breathing duck and he’ll be totally set good luck Andrew!!!!

Ice. Skating. Bear.

I hesitated to post this out of respect for the, um, individual involved in the incident, then I remembered I was born without morals.  Or suave good looks.  It turns out Russia is overpopulated by ice-skating, hockey-playing bears, and one of 'em killed a guy.  Hey CNN:

"A bear on ice skates attacked two people during rehearsals at a circus in Bishkek, the capital of Kyrgyzstan, killing one of them, Kyrgyz officials said Friday.  In the incident, which happened Thursday, the 5-year-old animal killed the circus administrator, Dmitry Potapov, and mauled an animal trainer, who was attempting to rescue him."

Before we continue, I know there are other news organizations besides CNN, but I read once that every time someone goes to Fox News, an orphan dies.  That, and Kiran Chetry on CNN's American Morning is one hypnotizin' vixen.  So shut up.  Anywhoo, the officials are dumbfounded.

"It is unclear what caused the bear to attack Potapov, 25, nearly severing one of his legs while dragging him across the ice by his neck. Medical personnel were unable to save Potapov, who died at the scene."

Nah, I think it's pretty clear what caused the bear to attack Potapov, 25.  It's a bear.  Ever see a bear?  Picture a bear with no balance.  Now picture a bear with no balance traveling toward you, unable to stop.  With blades on its feet.  Apparently we shouldn't be surprised because the article goes on to say that Russa has a long standing tradition of training bears to do all kinds of stuff.  No, apparently Russia has a long-standing tradition of doing incredibly stupid shit.  Is this the end result of Communism? We can be sure that Russia is no longer a threat when its military strategy goes from trying to blow up the earth with atomic bombs to sending out a few bears on ice skates to rough a brother up.  Well yeah, since it turns out that ducks can't fire guns, and that puppy they sent out in the tank never came back.