What the Hell Happened to Vampires??

So the new Twilight movie came out last weekend, and GOOD GOD what happened to vampires? These guys were original badasses, and now this fairy floats through and captures the hearts and vaginas of every chick out there. Years of crafting the perfect, scary, undead kick-your-ass-and-hand-it-to-you killing machine ruined by some waify little pansy. THESE DUDES USED TO BITE YOU AND SUCK YOUR BLOOD. This dude looks like if he gets mad at you, he might call you the c-word, then go home and cut himself listening to Fiona Apple.

Look at the pictures below.  Look at what they used to be...Nosferatu is scary as hell and he didn’t even talk. Gary Oldman in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” kicked serious ass, even though he looks like he’s wearing Madonna’s cone bra on his head. Blade said things like

“Safety's off, round's already chambered. Silver hollowpoint filled with garlic. You aim for the head or the heart. Anything else, is your ass.”

And BLACULA calmy said,

“I'm sorry, I don't have any 'bread' on me, and as for 'kicking my ass' I'd strongly suggest you give it careful consideration before trying.”

These last two quotes are so bad ass. Look at Edward Cullen. He doesn’t look like a vampire, he looks like the kid who wants to stab the popular kid on “90210” with a knife in home-ec. The scariest thing he could say is “Welcome to Hot Topic, can I help you find something?”